5 Lessons from "The Courage to be Disliked"

The Courage to Be Disliked by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga is a thought provoking book that really challenges one’s perspective on life. Based on the theories of psychologist Alfred Adler, the book teaches us that living a fulfilling life is very easy and the only thing keeping us from doing so are the fears we have developed throughout our lives, as a way of protecting ourselves from judgement, shame and rejection.

In this post I’ll explore 5 lessons from The Courage to be Disliked, sharing wisdom I’ve gained from this book, that has helped me improve my interpersonal relationships, embrace freedom in life and consciously work to let go of my fears.

1: Separation of tasks

A photo showing the freedom and happiness that comes with separation of tasks

Separation of tasks, as defined in the book means defining which duties are yours to perform and which ones aren’t.

Say you put on an outfit that you think is pretty, then the moment you step outside, you become self-conscious, wondering what other people think of the outfit. In this situation, separation of tasks would involve realising that what people think of your outfit is their task – not yours. As long as you think the outfit is pretty that is all that matters.

When you separate tasks you control what you are in charge of, and leave that which you are not in charge of to the other person. It involves acknowledging other people’s ability to make their own choices and respecting the choices they make.

This is not to say that when a friend asks for help you should not give them your assistance because it is “their task”. In such a case you only help where your help is needed. Make sure you are only offering assistance, not taking over the problem.

Following this principle will not only guide you to creating healthy foundations for your personal relationships but also make your life much more peaceful, since you will not stress yourself over things you are not in charge of anymore.

Discover more about this liberating concept in the book here!

2: QUIT SEEKING RECOGNITION FROM OTHERS

A photo with the words, it's ok to be different , meaning you don't need people's approval

We often find ourselves seeking the approval of others in the things we do. You dress thinking about whether so and so will like your outfit, you lack to do something you really like because so and so will think it’s not cool.

The philosopher in the book says that when you live life seeking approval from others you’ll never be free. If you depend on having another person’s approval to be happy, you’ll never truly find happiness. You are basically telling yourself that “I’ll only be happy if so and so says I can be happy”, that’s just sad. Freedom is living authentically without seeking validation from anyone.

Instead of seeking approval from others so as to get temporary satisfaction, strive to achieve self-acceptance. Get to know yourself, your strengths and your flaws , work on loving yourself despite them. Work on changing what you can change and unconditionally accept that which you cannot, that way you won’t need another person’s approval so that you can love yourself. You will have achieved the courage to be disliked. Whenever you find yourself holding back from doing something because you are scared of what another person will think of it, pause and ask yourself “What do I think” then act on what you think instead of your fear of the judgement they’ll make.

Explore how to embrace self-acceptance with the audiobook here!

3: FOCUS ON BUILDING HORIZONTAL, NOT VERTICAL, RELATIONSHIPS

A photo of two friends talking, they both seem interested in the conversation they are having

The book encourages us to build horizontal relationships – which are based on equality and mutual respect, rather than vertical relationships, in which some are viewed to be superior or inferior to others.

Doing this allows us to build genuine connections, rooted in shared interests and mutual respect, rather than on admiration and fear. This also helps with the separation of tasks, because since everyone is your equal, your opinion just is as important as theirs is.

Horizontal relationships help nature authenticity, allowing us to appreciate everyone’s individuality. We also realise that we all have different strengths. This means if someone excels in one area, it doesn’t automatically make them better than you, it just means they can do that better and there is definitely something else you can do better than them. Instead of feeling inferior, you can choose to learn from each other and grow together.

Find out more about nurturing genuine relationships in the book here!

4. We Often Use Excuses to Avoid What We Want Because of Fear or Lack of Courage

A photo saying self care isn't selfish. This is to show it is ok and freeing to choose yourself

Fear often holds us back from going after our goals and we don’t even know it.

A person will say that they are too shy to record a TikTok video and post it, when in reality they are just afraid of judgment or rejection. They might not even be fully aware of the fear that’s holding them back.

The philosopher advises us to recognize these fears for what they are – mechanisms to protect ourselves, which limit us from growth. Working towards our goals requires us to have courage. Courage to know that neither success nor failure is guaranteed for anyone, so all you can do is give it your best and pray for success.

When you shift your focus from the excuses you are making up and start choosing the courage to take action, you’ll break free from an endless cycle of making up excuses and start working towards the life you truly desire.

Uncover the courage to act—get the audiobook here!

5: LIVE IN THE PRESENT MOMENT

A photo of a girl watching the sunset, she seems to be free, happy and in the present

The philosopher urges us to view life as a series of moments rather than a means to an end. Choose to live life here and now rather than living as if you are on route.

Do what you can do now earnestly and consciously.

Instead of postponing happiness for when you complete a task e.g working out, you can choose to be happy while working out. Both the past and future do not exist, all that is real is now.

Don’t schedule happiness or fulfilment for when you achieve a goal, choose to be happy and fulfilled right now. We miss out on important parts of our lives because we are working towards or hoping for a specific thing which we think will bring us joy or fulfillment. Live your life in a way that even if it ended right now you will have experienced every single moment, making complete use of what was available at that time.

Learn to embrace the now with insights from the book here!

The lessons from The Courage to Be Disliked offer a transformative framework for overcoming the fear of judgment, building healthier relationships, and living a fulfilling, authentic life. They remind us to let go of the victim mentality, take control of our tasks, and embrace the freedom to make choices aligned with our principles.

We are urged to stop holding ourselves back with fear and comparison and instead take courageous steps toward self-growth. With each lesson, we’re encouraged to break free from excuses, seek self-acceptance, and build meaningful connections. So, what’s holding you back from living a life of freedom and authenticity?

Transform your life with “The Courage to Be Disliked.” Get the book or audiobook today and start your journey toward freedom and authenticity.

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